BOOK SUMMARIES

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Book:  The Dating Playbook for Men

Author:  Andrew Ferebee

Purchase:  Print | eBook | Audiobook

Citation: Ferebee, A. (2015). The dating playbook for men : a proven 7 step system to go from single to the woman of your dreams. Andrew Ferebee.

Three Big Takeaways:
  1. Women are drawn to men of purpose, and with good reason. Purposeful men are the movers, shakers, and leaders of the world … and attractive women find them deadly irresistible. Why? Purpose eradicates neediness and approval seeking behavior because a man is no longer dependent on any social interaction for approval. He's on a mission, one that is more important than a relationship, and that makes women value him even more. Furthermore, men of purpose tend to lead lives that are far more interesting and engaging than men who follow the societal script of “9 to 5 and get by.” Instead of sitting behind a screen watching other men live and pursue their best lives, a man of purpose is out in the world creating, building, turning his life into the grandest of adventures. (pg. 43)
     

  2. Attraction is an emotional reaction, not a logical one. You can't reason a woman into a date or into a relationship, no matter how much sense your logical argument makes. Women are either instinctively attracted to you or not. Some guys will try to logically work their way into relationships and then spend the rest of their lives frustrated that quality women don't respond well to them. The only thing that will determine whether or not she will enter into any kind of a relationship with a man is the quality of the emotions that the man makes her feel. Female attraction is an emotional, unconscious reaction to the energy, emotions, and behavior that you present to her. When you understand attraction is an emotional, unconscious decision for many women, then the thought that you need to be incredibly good-looking carries much less weight. (pg. 126)
     

  3. Beyond the desire to have an attractive partner for years to come, having a healthy, fit, active partner is essential to your relationship. Women who exercise regularly are less likely to develop depression and anxiety. They tend to be happier, healthier, and more positive individuals. They will be more attractive to you, and they will have higher self-esteem. A woman who is healthy and fit will age better and remain sexy to you. You don’t want a woman who is very attractive today then, a few years from now she lets herself go with a bad diet and fitness. You will silently resent her and be prone to looking at other women. If you are a fit and healthy man then you have every right to have a partner that has those same qualities. Don’t feel any shame in wanting your woman to remain attractive to you and more importantly herself. At the end of the day, everything’s better when you and your partner are fit and healthier. (pg. 261)

     

Other Key Ideas:
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  • The greatest investment you can make is investing in yourself. The better you become, the more value you can offer to others and the less needy you will be. By investing in yourself you are growing and improving your life. You are locking in new skills, talents, and abilities in gaining access to networks, locations, and resources that you previously could not. Every personal investment you make increases your experience and grants you access to new levels of success. (pg. 51)

  • However much you invest in yourself and your growth, the more interesting you will become and the more value you can ultimately share with others. And the more value you offer, the more attractive you are to higher quality men and women. Success with women isn't about manipulating them to like you. It's about genuinely being a win for her by living an interesting and adventurous life that she's happy to join. (pg. 52) 

  • Settling is a short-term escape into comfort followed by years of pain, misery, and regret. Nothing will have a more profound impact on your life, happiness, income, and career than finding the right partner in life. (pg. 54)

  • Women are attracted to men in a position of leadership within a group of men and women. Social proof is one of the most powerful forms of sexual preselection for women. Social proof is the fastest way to hack attraction because it instantly makes women feel safe with you and see you as a man of power, authority, and leadership. (pg. 57)

  • A strong social life keeps you grounded and prevents you from falling into scarcity, weak behavior, and neediness in your romantic life. You have a constant flow of positive emotions coming from a variety of sources, making you less reliant on any one particular source. This directly increases your attractiveness to women and is a positive unconscious signal that you are someone worth spending time with since many other people already are. And the higher quality men and women in your social circle, the more you are valued by the women you bring into this network. (pg. 58)

  • Although you should always be expanding your network and consistently meeting new people, there's no need to have a huge pool of friends. Invest most of your time and energy into three to five high-quality friends. Find men who will be in your corner and push you to be your best self, men who are on a similar path, and who are of a higher caliber. If you aren't able to build an abundant social circle because of your geography, get out of there as quickly as you can and set up your new life. Don't let geography prevent you from meeting new like-minded people. Focus on living in the best location that you can that allows you to maximize your overall life experience. (pg. 59)

  • Dating, relationships, and social dynamics are a skill set. And like any skill, they can be learned and improved upon with enough time, effort, and persistence. The quality of women you date is in direct proportion to your level of adopting the growth mindset and treating the journey like a skill that can be learned and improved upon over time. (pg. 72)

  • If you've just met a stranger, then why do you care what she thinks about you? Why does she sit on a throne with the power to make you feel better or worse? Reframe this by asking yourself if you like her more than worrying about whether or not she likes you. She might have a beautiful face and a curvy body, but that does not mean she has a right to dictate or control your thoughts, emotions, or self-worth. You must value yourself more than any stranger, regardless of physical attraction. (pg. 75)

  • The best moment of your dating journey will be the times that you made other people's lives better, more exciting, and more memorable. Everything that you do on this journey should be about one thing and one thing only: having a blast. You are here to have the time of your life. And you'd better make sure you do, because this is the only shot you get. (pg. 84)

  • The most powerful resource that you have to offer a woman is to become the center of good emotions. You accomplish this through your unique personality, positive energy, and full presence in every interaction. (pg. 96)

  • The one factor that truly separates the most socially successful men from the ones who are stuck in mediocrity is the status of their energy. This is the unconscious language that communicates how you feel on the inside. When you operate from high-status energy, you will naturally attract more positive and successful people into your life. When you're around someone with high-status energy, you can't help but feel naturally drawn to them. Their presence is so positive and vibrant that you can't help but want to spend more time with them. (pg. 97)

  • The source of nearly all unhappiness in life is scarcity. Whether it's scarcity of money, resources, love, or basic necessities, scarcity breeds one of the most dangerous human emotions: desperation. Good decisions are rarely made out of desperation. When you have no options, you settle by default. But by achieving abundance, you will reclaim your power, choosing the best women from a place of self-worth and self-confidence instead of being chosen from a place of scarcity and weakness. (pg. 100)

  • Human beings are hardwired to value things that are hard to attain more than they value the things that come easily. Women aren't drawn to a man who is easy to "attain" or who is an easy catch. They want to know that they earned your love and affection; they want to feel like they had to work hard to get something worth having and were able to beat the competition of other high-quality women. This doesn't mean you should be too hard to get; you must still take the initiative and and make the first move. You must show up in your most powerful state and bring high levels of energy and aliveness to your interactions. (pg. 117)

  • When you approach a woman, the more emotions you stir in a fun, playful and challenging way, the more time and interest you will have with her. Maintain strong eye contact, use deep vocal tonality, and engage in light physical touch throughout your interactions. Lean towards wit and playfulness. Tell her she's cute, adorable, and that she looks like trouble. You're not expressing your undying love to her, but you're making it clear that you are interested without being completely sold so easily. The goal of your approaches is to add value to her life, to inject adventure and aliveness into her otherwise dull day. And more importantly, it's to make her feel beautiful and unlock her feminine, playful nature. Leave every woman you meet feeling more life, beautiful, and appreciated than she did before she met you. (pg. 155)

  • Women feel attraction on an emotional level, not a logical one. If there are no emotions, then there is no possibility of creating attraction. When you fire off flirtatious and witty comments and take a lead role in the interaction, it suggests you have equal or greater social value. By polarizing the interaction, you separate yourself from other men. Most guys keep it very safe which creates a very boring emotionless interaction. The only way to escalate a a conversation is by being bold and making your intentions clear. Bold moves spike emotions which create the possibility of attraction. (pg. 163)

  • When you meet a girl when you are out, always push to make the most of the interaction since the emotions are the highest right now. She may forget about you if you just get the number - and remember that other guys are pursuing her as well. When she is with you, make the most of your night but having fun and gaining the most experience in the shortest amount of time possible. This will help you stand out from other men and will lead to a higher chance of seeing her again. (pg. 203)

  • With the proliferation of social media and the inescapable connectedness of modern existence, a phone number is no longer what it used to be. Just a few years ago, women gave up their number only when they actually intended to follow up. But today, women have access to an infinite number of men through various social media channels and dating apps; you are only one of many. Without first creating a memorable experience, your number will get lost in an endless sea of DM's, text messages, and right swipes. (pg. 209)

  • Social media gives women the unprecedented opportunity to get an overview of your life. A strong account filled with photos of friends, events, and adventure will instantly increase your social proof, set her mind at ease, and create a sense of trust and familiarity. It's not good to tell people how successful you are in life, and it's frowned upon to or really brag about your success. But social media is a way to bypass this since she's the one looking at your profile and viewing all of your successes on her own. A woman who follows you on social media and sees your ongoing posts is more likely to respond to your text messages because she is an active follower of your social media. It's a way of indirectly communicating to all the women you meet and keeping you top of mind as she goes about her daily life. I'd recommend the theme of your social media posts be adventure, fun, success oriented, good time with friends, cute pets, and occasionally family. This creates a sense of trust and safety. (pg. 212)

  • It's easy to meet an amazing girl, enjoy your first successful interaction, and then believe she's the one. She's not. Until you've been with someone for many months, you don't really know them. You still don't know if they're actually a good fit for you and the overall vision of your life. So take it slow and hold the frame that says, “I like you, but I'm not quite sure yet.” High-quality women often talk to and date multiple men at the same time, and there's no reason you shouldn't be doing the same thing. Remain a challenge and make her win you over while also giving her positive emotions, having fun, and sharing more of your life over time. (pg. 215)

  • When you go on a date, focus on having meaningful conversations, physically escalating, building a strong connection together, and going to multiple different locations to have a wide variety of new experiences in a short amount of time. If you do that, you'll be golden on your dates. (pg. 220)

  • Having a strong social life, hobbies, and passions will reduce the need to see her often and reduce your neediness and any approval-seeking behavior that repels women. Grounded men do not revert their life’s purpose to make a woman they recently met their girlfriend, no matter how attractive and incredible the woman is. It will have the opposite effect and act as a repellent that pushes her away. The moment you show any signs of weakness is the moment she starts second guessing you as a partner. When you become exclusive too quickly, you are not allowing her to chase you, which is a critical stage that should never be skipped at the onset of a new relationship. (pg. 235)

  • Divorce rates are nearly 50% in America. Alarmingly, research indicates that men are now openly admitting - in record numbers - that they are not in love with their wives and instead are opting for a partner that is good enough. Even the most perfunctory look at the couples and spouses around you illustrate the simple fact that most couples are settling in their relationships. They aren’t in it for passion or romance, but to find a glorified roommate of the opposite sex. Why do most men settle? They don’t realize the true cost of settling. They think to themselves, “Yeah, she’s not really the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but she’s attractive enough and I don’t want to put in extra effort to find the “right” woman.” (pg. 248)

  • When you are settling, you are stealing from your future self to pay for today’s comfort. You are making the choice to invest in a relationship that you know will not serve you in the long run. What’s worse, by making this decision, you are also making the decision not to pursue a relationship that would truly fulfill you. If, on the other hand, you make the decision to never settle - to find joy in the journey no matter how long it takes, to commit to becoming your best self, and to seek out your ideal partner - everything changes. (pg. 249)

  • A man who settles for a low-quality woman does not always mean that he has low confidence or self-esteem. In fact, I know many highly confident men who are simply too nice to hurt their partner’s feelings. They’ve built a codependent relationship where they’ve taken responsibility for their partner’s happiness at the expense of their own. This is much more common than you might imagine. Staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons will hurt your partner significantly more later, than leaving today. (pg. 250) 

  • It's important that you are honest with the woman that you're not fully exclusive with. Don't avoid the truth and make promises about a future relationship that you have no intention to keep. Tell her from the beginning that you are attracted to her and enjoy spending time with her but that you aren't looking for a serious or an exclusive relationship at the moment. However, it's important that you continue meeting other women, otherwise you may fall into scarcity and end up settling with her. (pg. 272)

  • Very few women with an abundance of eager men to choose from will be willing to transition to a serious relationship within the first few weeks or months. So slow down and enjoy the ride. Dating is supposed to be fun and you're supposed to enjoy the process of building up to a relationship. Rushing into a relationship, even if she likes you, will scare her away and prematurely end what could have been an otherwise great relationship. Your odds of success with women are far greater when you slow down, enjoy your life while making steady progress into a relationship. What's great about this is when you're casually dating, time now works in your favor, even when you aren't with her. Over time, the tide will shift and she'll be the one who wants to be exclusive with you. (pg. 277)

  • Your goal is not to get everyone to like you, but rather to express yourself to everyone around you. Strike up conversations with as many people as you can. Give value by offering genuine compliments when meeting new people. Constantly be in motion, reducing your reaction time between interactions with people. The more you condition yourself to be fun, friendly, and social with everyone, the easier it will be to be fun, friendly, and social with attractive women. (pg. 302)

  • Even more important than the results of your dating life are the results you will experience outside of it. As you begin to apply these skills and mindsets, you will experience a radical divergence in the way you show up in the world. When you step into a room, people will light up. When you step out, your absence will be felt. (pg. 310)